Descent into Nothingness

What do I do? How can I get over my self hatred? It’s ruining my awesome relationship, and it’s destroying me. I don’t know how much more I can take.
I’m not completely gone. Sometimes I have normal thoughts. I know I don’t want to cut anymore. I’m a girl; I want to be able to wear cute shorts and tank tops this summer (but only if, God willing, I lose 10 pounds). I’m not a total monster…
I feel like an absolutely horrid person though. The emotional toll I take on my boyfriend is tremendous. It’s a huge burden. How long do people stick with people like that?
The deep, dark abyss of depression I find myself in is swallowing me alive. There’s a little light I can see—a pinprick of hope. I don’t know how to reach it.
Okay, I’m done. The game is over. I’m reaching out for help. How do I escape this??

recently opened up to the boy toy about what’s going on in my head. Haven’t yet decided how I feel about it.
Prettier fatter? No. I won’t let myself believe that. Screw that.
I cut tonight. Lately, I’ve been a slut. I carved that into the inside of my thigh. If I try to be a slut anymore, I’ll scare away the boys.
You’re welcome, boyfriend.

I’ve gone one day already. How long should I go? What number of fasting days (short term) is the most beneficial?

Starting Monday. Anyone ever tried this before?

crotherz asked: 140 pounds is what men like... ask any guy out there. You should be between 145-155 pounds for your height. You'll find more overwhelming responses that match what I said than not. Besides from your tiny profile pic you look gorgeous. If anything you're taking that away :(

Sorry I can’t be perfect. Sometimes I do so perfectly well (an apple and an orange all day!!), but then I fuck up. I even planned out a huge salad for dinner. Unfortunately, the glutton in me fought its way out and devoured a massive amount of rice.

I purged.

Nate, my absolutely amazing boyfriend, if you’re reading this, just know I’m sorry. I wish I could just talk about it.

Depression sucks. Seriously. No fun at all. Battling thoughts of death and urges to hurt myself is a losing battle.

I feel really bad. My boyfriend wants to help me, but I can’t let myself let him even know the extent of what happens in my head. I’ve learned that telling=weakness=nobody likes me anymore=everyone leaves. I couldn’t bear to lose the one thing that keeps me sane in this world.

I need to get the hell out of high school. Another year and 64 days in the pirrhana tank. Then I’m getting out of state to whatever college will accept me. I’ve done well enough. My options will be fairly open.

On the bright side, I was sick today, so I can’t eat very much. Usually I down Morning Star meals like they’re nothing. Today, I’m about a third of the way through, and I feel full. :/ But it’s whatever. If it helps me lose weight, I’m down with it

I hope you’re all doing fantastic!!

Yes. Most definitely. And on both ends of the spectrum.

I’ll never forget the day in 8th grade when I was at my heaviest when my stepdad called me out on something. I’ve always had issues with binge eating, especially after school. So one day I was doing the routine eat-whatever-isn’t-nailed-down in the kitchen when my mom came home. I’d already consumed quite a bit of food when my mom suggested we all go out to eat. Still feeling hungry, I enthusiastically agreed. But my stepdad crushed me when he said, “Haven’t you had enough? You’ve been eating all day!” That really stuck with me, and it still makes me sick to think about it. It makes me feel like such a pig.

But on the other hand, I guess I got pretty thin this summer. When school started, though nobody said anything to me personally, staff and students were telling my stepdad/teacher that I’d gotten too thin and looked ill. This, of course, is complete and utter bullshit, but everyone is entitled to their own opinion. What made me upset was that everyone was blaming it on my vegetarianism. Excuse me for not wanting to shovel some fried decaying animal carcass into my mouth. Wahh. That wasn’t what made the difference!!

Monday, Saturday, Sunday: Rec Center
-Jog and run and only a little walking on the treadmill for around three miles or until I burn around 300 calories
-Between 20 and 40 minutes on the elliptical
-Usually burn a total of close to 650 or 700
Tuesday, Thursday, Friday: Work
-These are kind of my rest days, but I burn 300-500 calories there; I’m a waitress
Wednesday (and whenever the urge strikes): Wii Zumba
-I do either a medium- or long-length class
-Burns 450-650 calories!

I want to lose weight for a lot of reasons both for me and for others. I want to look thinner so I can gain some confidence and feel better about myself. I want to be healthier and fitter than I am now. I want to be the thin friend. I want to turn heads.